The Long and The Short Of It

Episode 164 - Share the Stoke

Transcript:

Pete: Hey, Jen.

Jen: Hey, Pete.

Pete: So a client/friend of mine recently said something to me that I hadn't heard before. It was like an expression that I want to say she coined, though I'm not really sure if she coined. But in my world, she coined this great phrase and I think it might be worth just sharing and unpacking. I think it might be super useful to all of our listeners, and the phrase is: Share the stoke.

Jen: Huh. This is The Long and The Short Of It.

Jen: Share the stoke.

Pete: Share the stoke, yeah. So this is an expression that she used in describing a surfing experience that she had. She's a surfer.

Jen: Oh, like, "So stoked, dude."

Pete: Right, exactly like that. You grew up in LA, didn't you? In California, I can tell.

Jen: I did.

Pete: Such a surfer, such a surfer. So she was telling me this great story of how she was out surfing, there was kind of not really many people out there, she was sort of on her own. But there was a few people that she kind of knew, but felt a bit like, "I'm surfing on my own." And she caught this great wave, she paddled in, and someone on the beach who was getting ready to paddle out said like, "I saw that wave. That was incredible," and high-fived her. And she had this like moment, or what she described to me was like, "Isn't it cool when you get to share the stoke with people?" And I was thinking about that, like, beyond just surfing. And I actually thought, "Huh. I think that's quite helpful, quite useful when it comes to creative work, when it comes to leadership, when it comes to anything." Is, can we create the conditions, or create a community, or who do we have in our life that can help us share the stoke, to share the awesome stuff that happens? Because, I certainly...I have a hard time sharing the stoke, and I know that plenty of our listeners probably do too, so I just thought it would be useful to unpack. Does that make sense, dude?

Jen: Totally tubular, dude. Totally tubular. You know, this is making me think that maybe she has landed on the opposite of FOPO, with, "Share the stoke." I just had this image right now of...I don't know if this has ever happened to you, but like you're walking down the street and you think you're by yourself, and then you trip. And the first impulse is to like look and see if anybody saw, because that would be so embarrassing. FOPO, fear of people's opinions. Or you're walking down the street and there's a $50 bill sitting there, and you pick it up. And you're like looking around like, "Did anybody see this? Like, this is so amazing. I just found $50." So I'm wondering if sharing the stoke (like, celebrating good things with people) might actually be the opposite of the fear of people's opinions. Just a working hypothesis at this moment, but that's what occurred to me immediately.

Pete: I like it, and I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. I mean, I'm six-foot-seven, and I've definitely never uncoordinatedly tripped in the middle of the road when there's nothing around.

Jen: Oh my gosh, that's funny.

Pete: But also, for some reason you just made me remember this. I have this such distinct memory. Two years ago, I was brushing my teeth in the shower, and I finished brushing my teeth and I just like wanted to throw the toothbrush over the shower into the sink because I was like, "I'm done with that. I'm just going to like throw it over into the sink." I don't know why.

Jen: As you do, apparently. As you do.

Pete: And what happened is the toothbrush like scooped out of the sink as if it was like a skateboard ramp, flew up, and landed perfectly, perfectly upright in the toothpaste container. And I was like, "Oh my god. Oh my god." Like, it was crazy. But I had no one to share the stoke with until now. Until now.

Jen: Wow. Oh my gosh, that is so funny. You know, I've heard some friends of mine who have jobs that make them travel a lot, complain...maybe complain is too aggressive a word, but like bemoan the fact that they don't have anyone to share the stoke with of like being randomly sent to Bermuda for a day and then, you know, you have to go to Calgary and then you get to go to Mexico City. And you're alone and you're like, "Gosh. It's so nice to do some sightseeing and such, but I'm doing it by myself. There's no one to share the stoke with." I'm totally resonating with this. I like it.

Pete: Yeah, likewise. I mean, I feel like this is...I mean, this has happened to me in the last few months, in doing a keynote for a big company or at a conference virtually via Zoom. And you finish, and I close Zoom and I'm like, "Oh, yep, I'm still in my lounge room."

Jen: Yep.

Pete: "And there's no one here to celebrate, or to share that stoke with." Like, it's such a weird feeling.

Jen: It is. Oh my gosh, my actor clients complain about that all the time because they're doing all these Zoom auditions now where they will like pour their guts out into the camera, and they're like, "Thank you so much," end. And then they're just kind of like in their living room going like, "Oh my gosh, I wish someone was here to be like, 'How did it go?' Or, 'Great job.' Or, 'That happened?'" Just some acknowledgement.

Pete: Totally, I totally agree. So I know that some of these examples are comical, but I feel like there's an important element for leaders and creators and our listeners in here somewhere, which is having like a safe space where we can share the stoke. So I think I've mentioned the incredible and brilliant Kirsty Stark on here a few times, mutual friend of ours, Emmy Award winning director.

Jen: Emmy Award winner.

Pete: Right. Emmy Award winning director, Kirsty Stark, who...I'm pretty sure she was responsible for this. We have a Slack group with her and me and two other friends, brilliant, brilliant humans, Michael and Mary (who you know). And we set up a Slack group years ago because we ran a bunch of workshops together, and we still have it to this day. And Kirsty created this channel called "Daily Awesomeness". And the idea is...it's not, it doesn't happen daily. But at some point throughout the week, one of us will share something awesome that happened. Like, "Oh, I did this keynote, it went really well. The client said this." So, we're trying to create this like place where we can share the stoke. And I don't think I fully appreciated how much of a genius idea that is until I heard my client say, "Share the stoke," until I started unpacking this with you. And just until recently, like I mentioned, I had a few experiences with keynotes where you close Zoom and you're like, "Who am I going to tell about that?" And so the #dailyawesomeness channel has been such a like very tactical and brilliant way for us to share like great stuff that's been happening. And what's crazy is, it sort of feels like I'm sticking my neck out. I'm like, "Am I bragging? Am I like, you know, gloating about a great thing that happened?" Like, there's still that discomfort. But the practice of popping it in there has been, I think, like really helpful.

Jen: The thing that I really love about this Kirsty Stark, Emmy Award winner, idea is there is an expectation that is set that you are going to share these things, so it helps to counter whatever that feeling is of like, "Ooh, should I share? Is this braggy?" It's like, "No, this is the expectation. We've established this between us." It reminds me of a company I did some work with that had a weekly high-five session-

Pete: Oh, I love this.

Jen: -where in one of their team meetings, they would say, "Time for high-fives. Who has high-fives to give?" And then you would say either, "High-five for Pete, he did this amazing thing," and you do like a virtual high-five. And I loved that.

Pete: Very cool. Very cool. It also just...I just realized in this moment, it reminds me of the win wall that I talked about in an episode earlier this year. That my partner Tracey had this great idea because she watches me, you know, work on my own from home at the moment and have these moments that I'm like kind of like sitting there like, "Oh, I don't have a colleague to bounce this off or celebrate with." So we have a win wall, which is basically just an index card per month, so two columns, one for Tracey, one for Pete. And we have, at this point we're in October, so there's ten different index cards, and on them we just have dot points, like, "Delivered a great keynote to such and such company," or, "Recorded ten episodes for the month with Jen." And so we like capture these little wins, which I guess is our version of like sharing the stoke with one another.

Jen: Mmm. I love that. Okay, can we just talk about specifically your client's experience? Which was that a total stranger shared the stoke with her. And I am obsessed with that. And I feel like if we all went out of our way to share the stoke with each other, it would definitely make the world a better place. Hmm.

Pete: Mmm. So, I totally agree. What I just realized in this moment was that (I think this is what you were saying) us sharing the stoke might actually be not me saying, "I caught a great wave," but actually, "I saw you catch a really great wave."

Jen: Yes. Yes, yes, yes. Woah, I'm having a big aha moment right now. So you know, Pete...and I don't know if I've really made this big of a deal out of it on the podcast. But off the podcast, I am a very, very big fan of reaching out to people whose work you admire, and telling them why you admire their work and getting very, very specific. "I heard you on this podcast. You said this. It was meaningful because... Thank you for your work. Keep going," something like that. And the number of people who have responded...there's no ask involved in this particular kind of a reach out. This is just a, "I saw what you did and it was frickin awesome, and you need to know it was awesome." The response rate on those kinds of reach outs is so high, because people like to share the stoke. But they wouldn't reach out to you and be like, "I'm sure you listen to my podcast, and you thought I was brilliant." Like, "I listened and you were brilliant, and so I'm telling you."

Pete: Yeah. This has happened twice in the last couple of months with us, where we had an episode that we said was inspired by Priya Parker who was on the Brene Brown podcast. And I emailed her the episode and said, "The thing that you said on the Brene Brown podcast inspired my co-host and I to create this episode. Our listeners are loving it. We love everything you do. Thank you so much." And she replied within like twenty-four hours, and I was like, "Oh my god, Priya Parker wrote us. Like, that's crazy." And then the same thing happened recently with Suneel Gupta, where we talked about the idea that he shared with Debbie Millman, and I sent it to him. And he wrote back within like five hours, like, "Thank you so much. That's so cool to hear." I was like, "What?" So, we were...yeah, we were. We were examples of sharing the stoke and people appreciating it. People that I would not necessarily expect to receive an email from because I assume they are quite busy, and they're quite successful, and they've got plenty of things on, and probably plenty of people reaching out to them. But the act of the reach out being, "I'm not asking for anything. I just want to share the stoke. You said this, it was awesome. Thank you so much."

Jen: Ooh, this is bringing up a whole other angle. Which is, in your friend's case, she caught the wave and she knew it was an awesome wave catch (or whatever you surfer types call it). And so with someone else affirming that, it's like, "Yeah, that was a really great wave." But in the case of what you're talking about, those people might not have known that the thing that they did was awesome if someone hadn't told them. Your sharing the stoke might actually be the stoke. Like, the person might not even know that they did something fierce, until you tell them?

Pete: Totally. Well, again, this has happened to us many times in the podcast where (I'm sure this has happened to you) I've got a message from a listener of ours a few months ago that was like, "I really appreciate the way that you show up and answered this particular question that Jen asked." And I was like, "Oh, interesting. It wasn't the answer, it was the way I answered that he really appreciated." And he's now like, "Now I'm trying to model that in my own life." I was like, "Huh. Wow. I never would have known that...I can't even remember the specifics. But I never would have known that the way I responded was actually helpful for him in that moment and was part of the stoke.

Jen: So, I think what we're getting at is that we could all be more stoke-conscious.

Pete: Yeah.

Jen: It feels like practicing good-finding, or choosing optimism, or any number of ways you could spin it. But if we become more stoke-conscious and look for the ways that we are stoked by other people's work, and then tell them so we can share the stoke, that's a thumbs up. And if we see someone who has done something that they already know is awesome and they are stoked about it, we can help celebrate by sharing their stoke.

Pete: Totally agree. And I think that, you know, in the Kirsty Stark example as well, where might you, how might you create a little space on the internet or have literal space for you to promote and share and take joy in one another's stokes?

Jen: It just occurred to me, without even knowing it we got really meta, because when we say, "Kirsty Stark, Emmy Award winner," we're sharing her stoke.

Pete: Yeah, we are. That was super meta. Emmy Award winner. And so, have you seen the movie or read the book Into the Wild, Jen? This is like a little as tangential.

Jen: Yes.

Pete: Okay, great. Amazing book, amazing.

Jen: You know I'm obsessed with those kinds of stories.

Pete: Right. Right. And so, there's a scene from the movie...because I watched the movie before I read the book. There's a scene from the movie that I think about like sort of an alarming amount of times, or I think about alarmingly often, which is right at the end. And I don't want to like...maybe there's a slight spoiler.

Jen: Spoiler alert.

Pete: There's a slight spoiler here. I don't want to ruin it for people who haven't seen it. Please, please, please go and watch this movie. It is incredible. And the quick synopsis of the story is this young guy graduates college and basically sells all his possessions and goes and lives in the wild in Alaska, and lives off the land, has a bunch of amazing experiences, and then right at the end, I think he's writing in a notebook or is highlighting in a book that he's reading, I can't remember specifically. However, the quote that he's talking about is, "Happiness is only real when shared." And it's like the last scene in the movie that basically sums up the learning that he had from running into the wild, which is that happiness is only real when shared. And I think about that line all the time, and I think it's very closely related with sharing the stoke. Maybe stoke is only real when shared.

Jen: And that is The Long and The Short Of It.