The Long and The Short Of It

Episode 84 - Constraints 2.0

Transcript:

Jen: Hello, Peter.

Pete: Hello, Jen.

Jen: I just can't shake that episode we recently released which was called Constraints.

Pete: Hmm.

Jen: It feels like we need to revisit constraints. So I am proposing that today we record Constraints 2.0.

Pete: Yeah, it feels fitting. It feels fair given that episode was pre- the world being placed under the same universal constraint, as it relates to the global pandemic of COVID-19. So, I agree. Let's revisit. This is The Long and The Short Of It.

Jen: Okay. So Peter, that episode sent me on a trip down memory lane. Because it was so jarring to me to listen back to something we had recorded in February, where the concept is so sturdy and stable but our attitudes about it are not.

Pete: Mmm.

Jen: Like right now, it's so acute...the awareness of constraints. And in that episode, we were really looking for them because they weren't necessarily so apparent. So, listening back to that got me thinking...like, I wonder if there are other things that if I listened to them now, they'd feel different. So I went back and I listened to an episode of a podcast I was a guest on.

Pete: Ooh.

Jen: Uh-huh. The Dreaded Question with Lili Torre.

Pete: Mmm.

Jen: In it, I said something that I have to call bullshit on now, based on these circumstances. In that episode of The Dreaded Question with Lili Torre, I said that I would never teach performance-based classes in a virtual environment.

Pete: Wow. Oh my gosh. Did you really?

Jen: Yes, I did. Because...and I named all of these (which I think points to our previous constraints episode), I named all these restrictions, and like my beliefs around why it wouldn't work. And now, of course, I'm teaching entirely virtually. And it's amazing.

Pete: Yeah.

Jen: So the constraint (or the restriction), I just have to call bullshit on myself. And now I'm like, "Oh, goodness. Where else in my life have I created this b.s. idea, and am holding myself back?".

Pete: This is so rich. This is so rich. I hope that...yeah, I mean, that's the, the logical next question, right? Is now that you've seen that pattern of believing there is a restriction (or a constraint) that is such that you will never do something, and now realizing that you've, you've literally done the thing you said you never would do. So...

Jen: Right?

Pete: ...like what, what does that tell us about not only constraints, but I think the, the stories we tell ourselves about constraints. So this is, I mean, this is interesting. I, too, have revisited this episode a lot, the Constraints episode. Given the context we now find ourselves in, and being like, "Wow, it's kind of crazy listening to us in some ways predict the future, in some ways innocently unpack, 'Oh, do you think creativity can be sparked through constraints, Jen?' 'Well, yeah, I think so. Here's an example.'". And it's like, the last two months have seen some of the most creative things I've ever witnessed because of the constraints of what we all find ourselves in. So, it's just fascinating. But the, the biggest aha moment I've had as it relates to constraints was prompted through a, through a discussion with a group who I coach, group of changemakers in the arts with whom you're very familiar with, one of whom is the host of The Dreaded Question, Lili Torre. And the conversation that we were having around constraints prompted this realization, which was: the biggest constraint is the story we tell ourselves about constraints.

Jen: Oh. Yeah.

Pete: I've just been sitting with that so much. And the example you just gave is...that's, that's what happened. The story you told yourself about your constraints was the constraint.

Jen: Yeah. That is...that's a mic drop, Shepherd. That is a Shepherdian mic drop.

Pete: [laughter] Shepherdian. I mean, it is. And I'm not even sure what to do with it. I'm like, "Wow. So the constraints are the story I tell myself about constraints. Cool, cool, cool. How do I, how do I unpack what stories I'm telling myself now about the constraints that I have?".

Jen: Okay. Can I throw out a sort of ridiculous but also dead serious conversation I've been having with myself, since having this realization?

Pete: I mean, that sounds like a wonderful juxtaposition. So yes, please. Share this conversation with us.

Jen: I think part of it is my own frustration with myself that it took a global pandemic and shutting down my business in order to recognize the potential and possibility. So the question I've been asking myself is, "Yes, and in a global pandemic, would that still be true?".

Pete: Mmm. Ooh, I like that.

Jen: It's like, okay, if I think back to my old self, "It's impossible to have the same level of intimacy in an acting class online, as you have in-person. Yes. And in a global pandemic, would that still be true? Mmm. No, it wouldn't. Okay. So where else can I be asking myself that question?". Like I said, it sounds so ridiculous. But it's also so serious because what I know I don't wish to do to myself again is create a story that limits possibility, and takes tragedy to see something that was there all along.

Pete: Mmm. Yeah, wow. Okay. This is, this is amazing. I love this. So the idea of limiting possibility is like jumping out at me and screaming at me. And it's screaming at me, "How might we, Peter? How might the listeners? How might you? How might Jen create, foster, cultivate infinite possibility? As opposed to telling ourselves stories that limit possibility." And to your point, to do so in a way that doesn't require a global pandemic, or doesn't require a tragedy? I mean, you hear...you hear stories, often, of folks who've had near death experiences, and then dramatically change their lives as a result. And the question they often ask themselves off the back of that is, or that often, what I've witnessed is they write a book about it, or they tell their story about it so that their hope is it shouldn't require the life-changing, a life-altering event in order to spark the change in direction, the aha moment, the limitless possibility, as opposed to the limiting possibility. And so I guess that's a similar question of: how do we not require a dramatic event that completely changes the course of our lives? Can we avoid having those situations need to happen in order for us to see possibility?

Jen: So I'm curious to know, Peter, when you came to this brilliant aha with that group, that our biggest constraint is the story we tell ourselves about our constraints...

Pete: Hmm.

Jen: ...what was the follow up? What was the, "And so, let's ____."

Pete: Yeah. The follow up was...you know what, it's like I already had the follow up. I just didn't have that, that bit before it. So the follow up was this idea that you and I have even spoken about, which is: what if constraints are assets? Like what if they're a positive requirement? A thing that we possess, a thing that we can use to leverage to our advantage, like an asset, as opposed to something that prevents us, or constricts us, or limits us from doing something. So it's like I had the, I had the moment of...I had the reframe in my head, that, "Huh. We could look at constraints as assets. That would be cool.". But what I didn't have is the bit before that, which is, "Well, if the biggest constraint is the stories we tell ourselves about constraints, then what we can realize is constraints might be assets.". So other than that, I think the other part of the "then", which I sort of realized off the back of it was: this question of "what are my constraints" is equally as important as "who's it for" and "what's it for".

Jen: Hmm.

Pete: So, you and I have spent almost every episode of this podcast touching on: when starting a project, when creating something new, when doing something creative that we haven't done before, the first two questions we should think about (which we've borrowed from Seth Godin, which we've borrowed from other changemakers and thinkers) are "who's it for" and "what's it for". And to me, I've now added the third question of, "What are my constraints?". And then probably a fourth question, which is, "What are the stories I'm telling myself about these constraints?". (Or something along those lines.) So the aha moment of "the stories we tell ourselves about constraints are the biggest constraints" has created this realization in me that getting clear on what they are is equally as important as getting clear on what it is we're trying to do.

Jen: Okay, Peter. My brain is melting a little bit over here because...

Pete: Did that make sense?

Jen: Yes, it does. It makes perfect sense. The reason my brain is on fire is because as I was hearing you express the point of "who's it for" and "what's it for", I recognize that answering that question provides you...

Pete: (Oh. A constraint.)

Jen: ...a constraint.

Pete: Whoa. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. It does, too. Wow.

Jen: Ouch. My brain.

Pete: Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa.

Jen: Yes. Because, because the third question you and I ask each other when we're working on a project...we do our "who's it for", "what's it for", and then we do "who's it not for". Right?

Pete: Mmm. Yeah.

Jen: And the only reason we're able to answer "who's it not for" is because we've created the constraint of who it is for.

Pete: Mmm. I think this is an interesting little aha moment that I might be like piecing together in my head right now, which is...perhaps in the example you described of the podcast interview where you said you'd never teach online was because you weren't even thinking about it as a constraint, you were actually thinking about as like a truth or a fact. And so I'm wondering if there's a difference between what we think are truths/facts, and what we think are constraints. And how do we, how might we develop a sense of awareness on which one's which? Are they the same- truths, facts, and constraints? Are they different? Or is it, again, all just down to the story we tell ourselves that, "Oh, no, this is a truth.". When in actual fact, maybe this is just a constraint (i.e. an asset), which could be leveraged, or could be flipped, or could be challenged. What do you think?

Jen: Oh, I'm, I'm looking forward to unpacking this. Because...so, at the time I recorded that podcast interview, I think it was November or December of last year. And the reason I was able to speak with so much conviction about never teaching acting classes online is because I had no constraint around it. I didn't have to learn how to teach online. So why would I? I had created a wonderful story of an excuse for why I wasn't going to examine that possibility.

Pete: Mmm.

Jen: I closed that door because I never had to open it. But as soon as...I didn't even choose to open the door, the door was thrust open by the given circumstances.

Pete: Yeah.

Jen: And right there on the other side (it wasn't even that far away from the threshold), like right there on the other side was the answer. It was like, it's so, it's so easy to show up in service of your audience online. Silly Jen. But because it never occurred to you to even crack the door open to take a peek, you just created this whole story. So, the constraint there of "well, you can't teach in-person right now" was like the greatest gift. Because the door got flung open, and I saw what was on the other side.

Pete: Mmm. Okay. This, I think...I don't want to jump off the deep end, but I might. What I hear is, you were telling yourself a story based on an illusion of certainty.

Jen: Yes.

Pete: And one of the aha moments (that I'm trying to remember if I've mentioned in one of our recent episodes) has been that what this pandemic has illuminated to me personally more than ever, is that we are very, very good at telling ourselves stories as it relates to certainty, and predictability, and comfort.

Jen: Mm-hmm.

Pete: And yet, they're all just stories, as evidenced by this example that you just created, you just shared. Which is, "I'm telling myself a story that I don't need to think about teaching online because I have certainty that that's not a requirement. I can just open the doors to my studio, the physical doors, and teach classes here. So why would I invest time, and energy, and resources to try and figure out how to teach online?". Then that story of certainty got completely blown apart. And as a result, to your point, the door opened to look at constraints and how you might leverage them. So I just wonder what that story that we have around certainty looks like in terms of how we might continue to challenge it, and not slip back into the habit of creating more stories and waiting for life-changing events that then blow those stories up again.

Jen: Well, I don't know, honestly, if this is a useful question, but the first thing that comes to my mind (probably because I'm a Questioner)...if I was interviewing my old self, and old self said, "Well, you can't create this intimate experience online.". I might ask myself, "And how do you know that?".

Pete: Mmm. Yeah. I think...yeah, that's so brilliant. It's like, it's an opportunity for us to all embrace our inner Questioner, essentially.

Jen: Yeah.

Pete: When we hear ourselves say something like, "Oh, I could, I would never have to do that.". Or, "I definitely don't have to think about that because of x, y, and zed.". Then, to your point, it could be, "How do you know that's true?". Or, "What if the opposite was true?". Could be another question worth unpacking.

Jen: Yeah. It's funny because today, I was interviewing a bunch of my students. And I asked them about this, like, "Going into this, what made you take the leap?". Because I know that I had been sitting in a place of like, "I don't know if this is possible.". And they all pretty much echoed what...the same trajectory. Where it was like, "Well, I would have never signed up for an online performance class prior to this, because I had made all these assumptions about what it would be like. But now that I'm there, I can't imagine not having this in my life. I'm getting so much out of it.". So it's just, it's fascinating.

Pete: Yeah, it really is. It really is. It is fascinating. And I think the, one of the takeaways for me, as we try and like piece together all of the various threads of this episode, is basically...you know, there's that notion that the quality of your life is determined by the quality of your questions.

Jen: Mmm.

Pete: And I think if I was to reflect back on, on past Jen, and how you might do things differently as a result of your learning, this aha moment that we've talked about is basically: question everything. Not to cripple yourself, but to get clear on, "What are the stories I'm telling myself? And how can I just become more aware of what they are, and more aware of what my constraints are? So that if I want to, I can choose to tell myself a different story. Or, so that I can choose to leverage certain constraints. Or, so that I can choose to serve the people I seek to serve in a slightly different way.". So, I just think there's something in this idea of...it's almost like the moment, the moment we hear ourselves, or want to say something like, "Well, I would never.". We have to like pause and go, "Huh. Well, like, let's ask a thousand questions now. Or ten questions, or five questions now.".

Jen: I love that. Yes, as a Questioner, I could be questioning myself more.

Pete: Mmm.

Jen: And that appeals to my Questioner self. Okay, Peter.

Pete: Hmm.

Jen: So, I think it all comes down to the big mic that you dropped earlier in the episode, which is: our greatest constraint is the story we tell ourselves about our constraints.

Pete: And that is The Long and The Short Of It.