The Long and The Short Of It

Episode 137 - Other People’s Stories

Transcript:

Jen: Hello, listeners. Before we get to this week's episode, Pete and I want to let you know that we are facilitating the Real Skills Conference for Akimbo on May 14th, from 3 to 5pm Eastern Time. So if you want to see our actual faces and hear our voices at the same time, we hope that you will join us at the Real Skills Conference. Pete, tell them more.

Pete: Alright, so we're releasing this episode on the 11th of May and registrations for the Real Skills Conference actually close on the 12th of May, so time is of the essence. So if you want to come along and join us, get in quick. Head over to thelongandtheshortpodcast.com/realskills, and you can register there. We hope to see you there. And for now, enjoy this week's episode.

Jen: Hello, Peter Shepherd.

Pete: Hello, Jen Waldman.

Jen: I had a really amazing experience this week that led to a half-baked aha moment, which I'm hoping you can help me finish baking.

Pete: Is that an ah- moment?

Jen: It's an ah- moment. I'm hoping you can help me get to the -ha. And it's really around the power of being inside someone else's story.

Pete: The power of being inside someone else's story. Alright, alright, alright. I think I follow. But I think I'll need to hear more context. This is The Long and The Short Of It.

Jen: Okay, how are we going to know if we get to the -ha? I feel like we need like, I don't know, a bell or a like whistle or angels singing or something.

Pete: Some sort of gong.

Jen: Okay, so here's the ah- moment. To commemorate the one year moment of our studio community moving from an in-person community to a virtual community, a bunch of my clients, team members, artistic colleagues, totally unbeknownst to me, contributed a personal story to a collection that was delivered to me last week called "Stories From The Studio: The Early Years," (which is hilarious because, you know, that's the first fifteen years, the early years). And I was gobsmacked, truly gobsmacked to read these stories of people recounting the most important moments that we had together in their artistic journeys. So, here is the ah- moment. I remember some of these stories like really, really clearly. For example, one of my clients tells the story of the moment we had together when five years of training came together in an instant, in what we call The Slingshot Moment. It was like for five years, she was pulling back the slingshot. And then all of a sudden, she released and she broke through every single barrier, every obstacle, all in one moment. It was miraculous. I remember crying. I remember every feeling in my body when this happened. And she details that story, and I'm reading it going like, "Yes, I remember. I was there. It was so amazing. You're right. It's impactful." And then some of these stories, I don't remember at all, but they were incredibly impactful to the people who were in the story. And I recognize the situation, I recognize the words that were said, but if you had asked me to detail the most impactful moment I had with some of these folks, I would have chosen a totally different story. And so the ah- moment (which is starting to crystallize into ah-ha) is that in every moment, you have the potential to be in the story that someone else might say was the moment their life changed. And that's just like, woah.

Pete: I had a feeling you were going to say, as you were sharing, "And I couldn't remember some of these moments." I just had a feeling. I mean, it goes to something you've taught me a lot, which is everything has storytelling value. You know, that everybody's experience has the potential for a story. And that within a story, obviously, you have characters. And so we have the potential to be characters within those stories, or catalysts in your case, in these examples. I think about this as it relates to leadership or a leader, where...I don't know if it's a quote or just this idea that, how you are when you think no one is watching is kind of like the ultimate sign of who you are as a leader. Or when you think no one's watching, that's the moment that people are paying the most attention. There's some idea around that. (Maybe I'll try and find a resource in the Box O' Goodies.) But I've often thought about that idea of, who you are when you think no one is watching is kind of really the crux of where you're leading, or who you are as a leader, I think. And then it reminds me of...I know these are sort of jumping around a bit, but I'll just throw them out there. It reminds me of that five minute TED Talk that I've mentioned probably four times on this podcast, about the lollipop.

Jen: Yes.

Pete: And there's a professor at a school who goes around on Open Day (I think, I'm probably butchering it) and gives out a bunch of lollipops. And he has this one particular really, really, really compelling and profound story, where a student comes back to him years and years and years later, and is like, "You probably don't remember me. I was super uncomfortable. I was really awkward. I didn't want to be there. I probably wasn't going to go to the school. I was going to like, you know...and you saw me and you gave me a lollipop, and it profoundly changed the way that I showed up. And in doing so, you introduced me to someone. Guess what? We're married. We have a kid." Like, it was this whole beautiful story. (Again, I'll put that in the Box O' Goodies.) And he didn't even remember it. And so I just like, I really...I'm obsessed with and curious about that. But also, it's kind of like...it's almost scary, in a way. Where you're like, "Oh, well, like there's a lot of pressure on every place that I go, every person that I talk to now, because it might just be the moment."

Jen: Yeah. Well, you know what's so funny, is...so like the people who contributed stories to this gift. These are people I have very intimate relationships with. Like, these are people I feel really close to. So, it's not like I didn't know we had a story. I just thought we had a different story. Like I just randomly opened to a page in this, and I see a picture of me with this unbelievable artist, Amara Brady. And Amara tells a story about an interaction we had in the studio that led to the creation of her amazing web series, which is called "'Skinny & White' Aren't Character Traits. In This Paper I'll Explain." (I will put a link in the Box O' Goodies, because it's so brilliant.) So, that's the moment she chose to recall. When I think about moments I've had with Amara, a very particular moment comes up when she gave me some very real, very honest feedback about giving me and my studio a second chance. And I thought that was the moment that bound us to each other, but it was this moment, and I didn't know. And my guess is she has no idea that if I had to tell a story about our most impactful moment, I would choose the one I just mentioned. It's kind of mind blowing.

Pete: Yeah, it really is. It really is. And I mean, I feel like every episode these days, I try and tie this back to empathy. But I'm going to try and tie this back to empathy. Because...or maybe it's more sonder (which we've done an episode on), and then that leads to empathy. Which is like the profound moment where you realize that everybody else has a different worldview, everybody else has a noise in their head, everybody else is going through life with this rich and complicated series of emotions, stories, ideas, experiences that shape how they view their world. And I just feel like this is such a brilliant reminder of that. Of, you have the two same characters who have been part of the same overarching story, which is you and Amara connecting together and doing some work in the studio. But the catalyst for when that really clicked is entirely different for both characters, which is just so wild. It's so wild. That's such a healthy reminder of empathy. That no one else has the thoughts that you have in your head. No one believes what you believe, to the same degree. No one loves what you love, cares about what you care about in the same way as you do. That we're all just like so individual and unique in our beliefs, fears, stories, and experiences.

Jen: Yes, yes, yes. Okay, I'm going to turn this in a slightly different direction.

Pete: Mm-hmm.

Jen: So this collection of stories, of moments I have been fortunate enough to be a part of, is such an incredible learning tool. You know, we talk a lot about pulling on threads and tugging out themes from related experiences or parallel experiences, and like I'm holding in my hand basically an entire study.

Pete: Amazing.

Jen: And so, it made me think a couple things. One, this is probably the greatest gift you could give someone. So if you, listeners, have someone in your life that you want to lift up, consider putting together a collection of stories from different people who have interacted with that person that people found to be special or impactful. It is such an incredible gift. And I also was like, "Oh my gosh, this is basically the Reflected Best Self Exercise in the form of a gift." So for those of you who are like, "What's the Reflected Best Self Exercise?" Adam Grant talks about this. (I'll post it in the Box O' Goodies.) Pete does this every year, at the end of the year. It's basically, you ask people to tell you a story about when you were operating at your best in their presence. And then you look at all the stories you collect from these various trusted sources, and you pull on the themes, and you determine who are you when you're at your best, what is your Reflected Best Self. And I basically have now, I mean, thousands of words that I can look for the themes. And I started doing a little analyzing, and I realized that there are probably some "Hows" in here that I would not have landed on, as how I am showing up when I'm operating at my best, that it's made me realize I need to do a "How" refresh and get my action statements in alignment with my new learnings.

Pete: Mmm. Well, that's exciting.

Jen: Yeah.

Pete: A little "How" refresh.

Jen: Also, apparently I scream at people a lot. Like there's so many stories in here where people are like, "And then I did my piece, and then it got really quiet, and then Jen shouted." And in some cases, it says I'm banging on the table. Like more than one person said I was banging on the table and like screaming at them. Positive things, positive things.

Pete: Good screaming. Good banging.

Jen: Apparently, I get like these violent outbursts.

Pete: I mean, I wonder if there's even a learning in that. I would interpret that a positive bang of the table or a positive like screaming and shouting, of like, "Yes," that to me is like, "I see you," is essentially what you're saying. Like, "I see what you just did, and it caused me to have this reaction. Like, you need to know that this created such a reaction in me. Like, I see you and your gifts." And I feel like that's...you know, if we talk about some of the work that Brene Brown does, where she talks about the fact that basically humans are hardwired to want to feel connection, feel belonging, feel seen, and feel heard, and feel understood, and feel loved. Like you're almost tapping into, in these examples, what folks are hardwired to value. And so, it's no wonder that's the thing they remember.

Jen: Yeah.

Pete: And then I wonder if the reason it's different (this is me just really just thinking out loud) is because in those examples that they've shared with you, it's when you saw them. And maybe in the examples you remember of others, it's when they saw you.

Jen: Oh my gosh. I think...I think you're right. Lately I've been using this quote that I love, to define what we're seeking when we are seeking empathy. And I'm sure I've quoted it on this podcast before, "It's not that people want to be seen. It's that people want to be seen the way they see themselves. And empathy is seeing someone the way they're asking you to see them, or the way they wish to be seen." And so it makes a lot of sense that someone would say, "It's the moment when Jen-

Pete: (Screamed at...)

Jen: "-started banging on the table, screaming, 'When are we going to deal with your greatness?'" And then, of course, the moments I remember are the ones where I felt seen. Yes, that makes so much sense. Holy cow.

Pete: Hmm. I'm not sure what to do with that, other than I just was observing. I think in the Amara story that you shared in particular, you know, her example is one where you saw her. And I think I know the story you're talking about the other way around, which is when she saw you and the studio, and was like, "Here's a great opportunity."

Jen: Yes. So earlier you were like, "Oh gosh, it could be a burden to, in every moment be like...," I'm paraphrasing you, of course.

Pete: Yeah.

Jen: But to be like, "Wow, this could be the moment someone's life changes forever." And I'm kind of asking myself, like, "How do you remove the burden part of that, and instead just make sure that in every moment, you are fully showing up with your values intact, like living out your values, so that those moments can be created?" If they're possible, then they can happen because you are showing up fully in integrity with your values. It feels very values based to me. That's kind of like...like I said, I'm not fully at the -ha yet, but I'm at the ah-hhhh.

Pete: Yeah. We're so close. I thought I might have got you over the line there, with that little connection there. So I agree, there's something in the values. And I think there's definitely something in the showing up. I go back to something I shared earlier this year and maybe late last year in the podcast, where a friend of mine, Mark Dombkins, basically said to me a version of, "What if showing up is enough?" Because I was questioning, "I'm doing this thing. I'm showing up here. I'm helping people there. I'm doing this. But I don't feel like I'm doing enough." This was right around the time of the pandemic really kicking into gear, about a year ago. What I see now is, I was trying to control all these things that were outside my control. And so, what I hear in what Mark said, "What if showing up is enough," is, "Go back to the thing that you can control, which is how you show up for others." And for me, that was the reminder I needed to (I think, what you're saying) basically be that catalyst, or be that person, or give yourself an opportunity to even be that person to help others by going back to what you can do, which is be in alignment with your values, show up. And, for me, that's ask questions, hold space, be curious, be generous, be empathetic.

Jen: Yeah. I just went and pulled up the thank you email I sent to the folks who had put this together. And reading it back, I'm realizing it's possible that I already put words to the ah-ha moment in my thank you note.

Pete: Alright, let's go.

Jen: Okay. "You might be a part of the story someone else tells about the moment their life changed. Show up knowing that."

Pete: And that is The Long and The Short Of It.