Episode 226 - The Perception Paradox
Transcript:
Pete: Hey, Jen.
Jen: Hey, Pete.
Pete: So I had an experience recently that I'm coining "the perception paradox"...which I don't think is a term, I think I might have made it up. But it's related to when two people experience the exact same thing and perceive it in the exact opposite way.
Jen: Ooh, I love this. I love this so much. This is The Long and The Short Of It.
Pete: So I guess the most recent example of what illuminated this for me, and I feel like we've talked about versions of this before, but Tracey and I have moved cities here in Australia. So we moved from Melbourne to Brisbane, which is about a two hour flight north, so closer to the equator, so hotter, warmer.
Jen: You do seem to have a glisten about you right now.
Pete: I do, I know. Listener, I wish you could see this right now. Jen is wrapped in a blanket and I am in a t-shirt. It's kind of hilarious. And what's been wild is us moving here...for us, the temperature now at the moment in summer is a lot warmer than what it was in Melbourne. Melbourne was experiencing like some crazy cold front in the middle of summer, and so it wasn't that warm. And for us, we've been in Brisbane like, "Oh, it's so warm and hot." And what's hilarious is, when I talk to and have met and spoken to people that live here in Brisbane, locals, they're like, "Yeah, it's a real mild summer, isn't it? Not that hot at all." Meanwhile, Tracey and I are like sweating in t-shirts, like, "Oh my god, it is so hot." And so, I was like, "This is kind of hilarious. We're both human beings, experiencing the exact same thing, and drawing separate conclusions from said thing." And I feel like that is a metaphor, or an example of something that exists everywhere but maybe that sometimes we forget. And so, I just kind of thought, "Oh, isn't that a funny paradox of perception?" And so, I'm coining the term "perception paradox". Maybe it already exists...if it does, please let me know, listeners. And I could see many different ways this expands into our work as well, but I just wanted to start there with that example.
Jen: Such a great title for a book: The Perception Paradox by Peter Shepherd. Come on, it's so good.
Pete: Lots of p's, good alliteration.
Jen: Lots of p's. We like p's on the show. Have you landed on like a definition? What is the perception paradox?
Pete: Okay, I haven't, but let's make one up. The perception paradox is when two or more people look at the same thing or experience the same thing, and create a completely different story about that thing based on their lived experience. How's that?
Jen: Love it. I'm writing it down.
Pete: So, another example...I've written about this on my blog before, I'll put it in the Box O' Goodies. I'm sure I've mentioned it on this podcast. The idea that someone would get on stage and sing and dance in front of thousands of people as a joyful way to communicate the kinds of things they believe in and are passionate about is one of the most terrifying, scary, overwhelming, anxiety-inducing things I could think of. And so, that exact same act, that exact same behavior for one person is joyful, is energizing, is a way for them to communicate the things they believe in. And for another person (i.e. me, i.e. a muggle), yeah, it's just so anxiety-inducing. I couldn't even fathom doing it. So our perception of the behavior, the same thing, based on the stories we tell ourselves, is very different.
Jen: Yes, I'm immediately thinking of some examples. But before I get into them, I just want to say how powerful I think the word "perception" is, in this phrase you've coined, because it recognizes the humanity of having an experience. And it also is very humbling in recognizing that there's a difference between perception and fact.
Pete: 100%. Yes. That's such a great way of putting it. Huh, yeah. Yes. And I think often, especially in certain topics, we/me/us as humans, we mistake our perception of things for facts.
Jen: Yeah. Yep.
Pete: Yeah.
Jen: Okay, here's a fun example, as I'm literally just coming from dinner with a friend, right before we hit record. And we were talking about the recent episode we recorded on first pancakes, and how that got out there. And I was saying to her, "It wouldn't have occurred to me to ever share that," P.S. listeners, we were talking about the fact that Simon Sinek brought up this first pancake metaphor that I use on his podcast while talking to Brene Brown and Adam Grant. What?
Pete: Casual.
Jen: Okay, so I said to her, "I would never have thought to share that, because it doesn't seem that different. I mean, doesn't everyone talk about creativity like it's a first pancake?" And she was like, "No. No, not everybody talks about that." She goes, "You do things like that all the time. Like, you come up with things." And I was like, "Really?" I said, "Well, it's so funny, because when I'm teaching my public speakers about how to think about the concepts they're sharing, I tell them to treat them like sticky notes. They've got to be the size of the sticky note and they've got to be that sticky." And she's like, "See, you just did it again!"
Pete: Oh my god, that's amazing.
Jen: And I was like, "I did? Oh, I just thought that like everyone talks like that." So it's just, it was such a funny perception moment, where I'm perceiving something as like everyday common language, like, "Everyone thinks this way." And she's like, "No, that's a special thing that you do." I was like, "It is?"
Pete: Yeah. That's hilarious and amazing. And I think this is where the empowering reality of this idea can come in, that we can harness this concept to develop more humility, i.e. get clear on, "What are our superpowers? What are our strengths? And what are our blind spots? What are our weaknesses? Where are we thinking things are fact when actually, it's our perception of reality?" And this rhymes with so many things that we've spoken about before, including Adam Grant's Reflected Best Self exercise, so I'll put a link to it in the Box O' Goodies. But listener, basically what you do, and I've given this homework to so many of my clients to great effect, is, you send an email to five, ten, fifteen, twenty (however many you want) of your closest friends or collaborators, and you ask them to tell you a story or two about you when you were at your best. And then, you sit back and just kind of enjoy receiving all these amazing emails with great stories of you at your best, and you look for the themes between all of these stories. And what always happens, in my experience, is what you just described, is, you will get a series of emails or reflections back to you that you do this one particular thing or these two particular things unbelievably well and uniquely, and you'll think to yourself, "Huh. Doesn't everyone do that?"
Jen: Right.
Pete: The reality is no, not everybody does that. Your interpretation of the stories you tell yourself comes out in a certain way, which is a paradox to how most people interpret similar stories, if that makes sense.
Jen: Tell me if I'm like barking up the wrong tree here, but I'm also seeing this as a real tool for defusing painful feedback.
Pete: Mmm. Yes. Yes. Say more.
Jen: Well, like...or feedback delivered in a way that feels personal, I guess.
Pete: Yeah.
Jen: Where, going, "Wow, we've entered the perception paradox. This person is seeing this one way, or seeing me or my work one way and I simply see it a different way." And that's not to say I'm encouraging people to close themselves off to feedback. I think it's really important to stay open to feedback. But I can see it as a way to get out from under your feelings about it and get a little more objective by just naming that that is someone's perception.
Pete: Yes, and that's okay. Yes.
Jen: Yeah.
Pete: I totally agree. This is a helpful reminder or framework that can help us process feedback, can help us process when something might not be for someone. So late last year, I helped out Margaret Atwood in running this amazing cohort.
Jen: Excuse me, what?
Pete: I was trying to work out how to say that without sounding like I was name-dropping. But I worked with this amazing company, Disco, and Margaret Atwood in delivering a really crazy and awesome and really cool cohort-based learning experience, I guess you'd call it, where a bunch of people around the world tried to design a practical utopia. It was wild. There's probably like seven separate episodes where I could talk about all the crazy things that happened in the learnings. In any case, there were hundreds of people that took part. And invariably, there were a few moments where one of the participants had a particular piece of feedback for one of the facilitators or for Disco or for Margaret, herself. And I heard her say it so casually but so insightfully, basically, "Oh, yeah, it's not for them." And that, to me, was like, "That's the perception paradox." You know?
Jen: Yeah.
Pete: She recognized immediately that, "When I've created this thing, people are going to perceive it in a certain way. And it's not going to be for them, and that's okay. It's not designed and intended to be for their particular perception of the world." So, hopefully that was a useful example. But I think this really comes down to...I guess what we're talking about is like getting clear on who it's for, which then becomes a useful filter to figure out, "Is their feedback, is their perception of what I've put out there valuable and useful for me?" And if not, it's okay to let it go.
Jen: I could also see this as a way to challenge yourself to adopt behaviors that would positively influence someone's perception of you. Meaning, I have clients who, when they're in a very high-stakes audition scenario, for example, fear that they are coming off as cold, that they are being perceived as cold even though they're quite warm and lovely to be around. So if you go, "Okay, I'm entering the perception paradox here. How might I close the gap between how I want them to see me and how they might be seeing me in this moment? So maybe if I'm feeling fearful about entering the room, instead of shutting down and because I want to be perceived as warm, even if it's scary for me to do so, I'm going to look them in the eye and say, 'It's so great to see you again.'"
Pete: That's amazing. The thing that stands out for me is the closing the gap.
Jen: Yeah.
Pete: Because what that acknowledges is, there is so much outside of your control to how someone perceives you, which is their lived experience.
Jen: Right.
Pete: The way they have gone through the world, collected experiences, read certain things, watched certain things, believe certain things, been taught certain things, that's going to influence their perception of you. And so, there's a lot of that that's outside your control. But what we can do, like you said, is seek to close the gap. Because there's this undeniable reality that the way we show up creates a perception of us.
Jen: Yes.
Pete: And so, how empowering to think about, "How do I want to show up and seek to close that gap, so that I'm perceived in a certain way?"
Jen: Yes, yes, yes. I really like this. I really like it. And I like saying the phrase, "I'm entering the perception paradox." I don't know why, I'm like seeing it as some sort of sci-fi, I don't know, like space chamber that you enter. I don't know why.
Pete: And there's all these screens, and through each screen there's like a different lens on the same thing. You know? Like, a different person's reality.
Jen: Yes. Oh my gosh, screenwriters, where are you? You've got to reach out to Pete and see if you can borrow his idea and write a movie about it.
Pete: And so, I guess I'm realizing right now, the other thing this really rhymes with is sonder.
Jen: Mmm-hmm.
Pete: Which we have a separate episode on, I'll put it in the Box O' Goodies. A quick refresher for those just joining us...hey, friends.
Jen: Hey.
Pete: Sonder: S-O-N-D-E-R. I often spell it because North Americans can't pick up my "r". They think it's S-O-N-D-A-H.
Jen: And when he said, "They can't pick up my 'r'," for the North Americans, he was saying, "They can't pick up my 'rrrr'."
Pete: "Arrr," like a pirate. So "sonder" is like this word that was invented by a gentleman, I've actually got the book here, who created a book called The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows, and it's a website as well. He essentially just...well, not essentially. He literally invents words for things that he thinks should have words. And so, he defined "sonder" as like the profound moment where you realize that everybody else walking around has a noise in their head, everybody else has a lived experience that is completely and utterly unique to them, based on their worldview. And sometimes they just pass us by in the street. Sometimes they're random strangers in a cafe. But every single person is living a life as rich and as complex as our own. And so, "sonder" is kind of that moment where you realize or you remember that. Which, I know many, many examples of when that's happened to me, and I'm sure many others. And so, that, to me, is like...it's almost like sonder lives within the perception paradox, or vice versa, the perception paradox lives within sonder.
Jen: Mmm. Sonder...sonderrrr.
Pete: Listen to those r's.
Jen: Sonder is one of my favorite words. It just has endless possibility for empathy in it.
Pete: Yes. I think that's the other way I'm starting to look at the perception paradox. Is, you kind of articulated this a little bit with the, "How do I close the gap," but if I'm creating a leadership development program for a particular company, which I do a lot, what I need to remember when designing that program is that every single person taking part is going to have a different lived experience. Everyone else has a unique noise in their head. Everyone else has a unique perception and understanding of what leadership development means. And so, if I can intentionally design with that in mind, I'm more likely to connect with them and their version of reality, or their version of the world that they experience through this leadership development program. So, it's like an exercise in design thinking. Right? We ask, "Who's it for?" And we get really clear on, "What are the hopes, the dreams, the perceptions, the ideas that these particular people have? So that when I communicate to them, I can meet them there and not like talk over their heads?"
Jen: Yeah, I really love this as a tool. "Let me enter the perception paradox. Look around. Ask, 'What do I see? What are the things that that person might be seeing? And how might I better understand this from their point of view, instead of being so rigid about my perception as the only one?'" Yeah, I like it so much.
Pete: Yeah.
Jen: Wow, Pete. I feel like I've had a quite gigantic aha moment today. I can't wait to read your book, The Perception Paradox, or see the film. It's just, it's so catchy. And it feels exciting to have a phrase to use when moments like this come up.
Pete: Yeah. And I guess the other thing that comes up, that I think helps explain or amplify the perception paradox, is the reality of something like social media, where every single person is experiencing a different timeline, a different algorithm, a different version of events. And The Social Dilemma (a really great documentary, I'll put it in the Box O' Goodies) did a great job of explaining this, that if I give you my Instagram account, Jen, and you give me your Instagram account, we will experience a very different version of reality. And so, I think that, overlaid with the fact that just literally we're walking around the world experiencing things slightly differently, it's just a helpful reminder for all of us to better connect with people, to hold our beliefs a little more loosely, and empathize with others in order to create and seek connection. Not necessarily to change their mind or to convince them otherwise, but just to understand and connect.
Jen: And that is The Long and The Short Of It.