The Long and The Short Of It

Episode 81 - Showing Up

Transcript:

Pete: Hey, Jen Waldman.

Jen: Hello, Peter Shepherd.

Pete: So we're recording this at the start of April, still in the midst of the pandemic. Which I just think is worth calling out...

Jen: Mm-hmm.

Pete: ...because that context is helpful given the thing that's in my noodle at the moment, the thing that I've been thinking about. Which is this idea, this notion of showing up.

Jen: Showing up. I want to hear more about this. This is The Long and The Short Of It.

Pete: So, some context. I recently had a aha moment of sorts, I guess, a reminder from some friends of mine, some colleagues that I catch up with once a week. This phenomenal group of humans who are all coaches, and we catch up once a week, and they're all from Australia. So we call it the under crew. (Shout out, under crew.) And so what we do is we basically create space, and hold space, and ask each other questions, and just provide a space for us to thrash. And just last week, apparently I needed to thrash, which I didn't recognize. And I think what's interesting about this is it goes to like the roller coaster of emotions, and feelings, and work that we're all in at the moment, which is like, sometimes we wake up and we're like, "Okay, cool. I got this. I'm going to lead. I'm going to show up. I'm going to help people.". And then other times, we kind of feel like, what's the point? We're in an existential crisis. And so, just calling that out. That's real.

Jen: Mm-hmm.

Pete: And so I think what happened for me, if I reflect back on it, is I was probably in the latter. Which is I was like, questioning everything. And the question I couldn't get my head around was, what else should I be doing? How else can I be helping? I'm not doing enough. I'm not contributing enough. And I'm not helping the pandemic in a way that perhaps I should be. And I was just like really thrashing with this. What else should I be doing? What else should I be doing? And so, two of the people on the call, in particular, really helped me unpack this. And interestingly, it started by sort of checking in. "Okay. Well, like, where are you at? Are you okay? Are you sleeping? You know, like self care. How's that looking? What's that look like?". Which I think is an interesting point, that we'll get to. And then the second part was really like, just reflecting back. "You've been showing up for literally like hours, and hours, and hours, and hours, and hours on Zoom every single day for other people. You've been asking questions. You've been holding space. You've been generous, empathetic, and caring. And that is what you need to do in this moment. That is how you show up. You showing up on these Zoom calls, you showing up with that posture. That's your contribution. That's what we need you to do.". And just because it doesn't feel hard and effortful...because I think there's something in that. I was telling myself a story that now that everything changes, everything should feel hard, and new, and like growth, and different. And what they helped me realize was just because it doesn't feel that way doesn't mean it's not helpful, it's not enough, it's not showing up. So, that's the context. I'm curious for Jen Waldman's thoughts on what it means to show up.

Jen: Well, as you were just describing that, and you specifically used the phrase "helping the pandemic", it reminded me of something I shared with you right before we jumped on this call. Which was that my...just in the context of how can we all help the pandemic, I think, to your point, it is to show up in the best way you know how.

Pete: Mmm.

Jen: So, my brother-in-law reached out to me on behalf of his best friend, who is a doctor in an ER, which is of course currently overrun with COVID patients. And this ER doctor happens to be a huge Broadway fan, and his favorite show is Hamilton. So I reached out to a friend who is in Hamilton.

Pete: Yes!

Jen: And said, "Could you just, could you just make a little message for this doctor?". And then what she did was show up in the best way she knows how.

Pete: Mmm.

Jen: She enlisted friends from all of the different companies of Hamilton to sing for this doctor. Not for publicity, not to get on social media. In fact, the whole thing was totally private. I probably shouldn't even be talking about it.

Pete: Hmm.

Jen: But the idea was, in a moment of crisis, how does she help the pandemic? By bringing people together, connected around the idea of music that heals. And it got sent to this doctor, and it gave him the jolt he needed to get back to work.

Pete: Mmm.

Jen: So we, you know, we can't all contribute the same exact thing. That would be, that would be so out of balance that we would lose the, the parts of our culture and our humanity that those of us who are not on the frontlines in medical situations, we have to tend to these other things. So that on the other side of this, there is a full world to return to. So I think I just felt like the need to call out that the way you show up is specific to your unique contribution.

Pete: Absolutely. Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I think that's so rich. So I think the question to ask oneself, listeners, is: what does showing up look like for you? Or, what does showing up look like for me?

Jen: Mm-hmm.

Pete: Because it can come in many different forms. The example you used is a great one, Jen. I also think about like us doing a podcast every week.

Jen: Mm-hmm.

Pete: We're showing up for this podcast every single week. That's how we can show up. Someone like Seth Godin shows up to his blog every single day. And that's how he shows up. He does in other ways too, obviously, as do you and as do I, but there are very unique and specific ways that each of us can show up that are unique to us. So, I love that call out.

Jen: Well, you're pointing to something that I think is really important, which is the idea of consistency.

Pete: Mmm.

Jen: And this relates to...I don't know if I could call it our most popular episode, but certainly our most controversial episode, Peter: Authenticity vs. Integrity.

Pete: Ah, yes.

Jen: So listeners, if you missed that one, go back and give it a listen. We got more mail about that one episode than probably our entire first year of episodes combined. Anyway, the main idea there is taken from Seth Godin's book, This Is Marketing. Which is that being authentic doesn't require emotional labor, it just requires you to know what you're feeling and then act on what you're feeling, or express what you're feeling. Whereas integrity requires the emotional labor to know that you will show up anyway, because it is in service to someone else. Now, that's not to say we should ignore our feelings. That's not to say we shouldn't practice good mental hygiene. It is to say that when we know our contribution is valuable, we are in integrity with ourselves when we contribute it. And Seth is the perfect example because here he is, every single day writing a blog, which you read and which I read. We are being served by Seth's words. So if in the midst of this global crisis, he decided to stop writing, it would be so jarring as a reader to open my inbox and not see him there. Like I would, I would be hurt, upset. I would feel betrayed. Instead, he continues to show up in service every single day. And maybe that's really the key, is to add those two words: showing up, in service.

Pete: Mmm. Ooh, I love that. I love that. I love that. And I think, to the point earlier, what we recognize is in order to show up in service, we must first show up for ourselves. And I think, to use you and I as examples, is there are things that we do, practices that we have, you know, exercise, the Five Minute Journal, meditating, all of that, which are ways that we show up for ourself, so that we can show up to serve. So I think this is where the, maybe the authenticity part gets a little bit confused or controversial for people, which is, "I need to share that part of me showing up for myself with everybody, because that's being authentic.". And I think the point is, when it's service, when it's specific to those that you're serving, they don't necessarily need to hear or care about the way you're showing up for yourself, always. What they care about is you showing up consistently in service of what they're working on, in service of what problem they have, in service of the work that you're doing together. So, it's consistency. I like that.

Jen: If you're in a leadership role, I think part of showing up right now is helping other people to show up.

Pete: Yeah. Yes.

Jen: So like, I was telling you earlier that at the studio, you know, we are having these weekly community calls where we're bringing the whole studio community together. And then we are starting our online classes next week, and we've instituted a no pajamas policy.

Pete: Yes.

Jen: Because I want to help people show up for the work that they are intending to do. So as the person in my own studio who's in the leadership role, I'm not going to allow them to come to class in their pajamas just because they can, just because they feel like it.

Pete: Mmm.

Jen: No. Instead, I want them to step into their integrity as creative artists, get dressed for class, and come to class to be a professional.

Pete: I love that. So, to me, there's like, there's something in what you said around part of showing up is showing up as a professional. And whatever a "professional" looks like for you, you can decide. But Steven Pressfield wrote an amazing book called Turning Pro. And I think he offers some really good insights on what it looks like to be a pro.

Jen: Mmm.

Pete: And I think part of that, to your point, is showing up with that posture, showing up as a pro. And I think something that's interesting, just unpacking all of this, is if we take Seth as an example...often I hear pushback, and I find myself sometimes in this headspace of like, "It's more important for Seth to be consistent and show up because he's got, you know, millions of people expecting the email in his inbox every day. But who am I? I'm just like, I'm just Pete.". And so this, I think, is where the idea of acting "as if" gets really interesting, and really important.

Jen: Mmm.

Pete: And I can't even remember if we've ever spoken about this on the podcast, but you and I have definitely spoken about it. So, to me, part of acting like a professional is to act as if you were writing for a million people.

Jen: Mm-hmm.

Pete: Or acting as if you had hundreds of thousands of people that were waiting to hear what you had to say in your podcast, and waiting to download it. Which then gives you the posture of, "Okay. I'm acting as if, that that's what's happening, which means I need to show up consistently. I need to show up with discipline, because I'm on the hook.". So one way I think we can get ourselves on the hook is to act as if we are on the hook, if we feel like we're not.

Jen: Mmm.

Pete: Does that make sense?

Jen: It totally makes sense. It actually reminds me of...I can't remember if this was one of your words for 2020 or 2019. But you talked about wanting to be world class.

Pete: Mmm. Yeah, that was 2019.

Jen: And, yeah. So I'm, I'm thinking about this in terms of professional, and then professional in terms of integrity, and then integrity in terms of showing up. And I'm just relating this back to, in this current situation, having a ten-year-old daughter who's out of school, but in school. Like, in virtual school, but it's happening in the kitchen, you know?

Pete: Mmm.

Jen: That what I'm trying to do is help her be a world class student, in this moment. So creating more structure than she's used to, because there's such a lack of structure. Like there's more of a lack of structure than she's used to, so I'm trying to combat that with more structure than she's used to. Providing her a sense of discipline, so she can have the integrity around her schoolwork. So each morning I get up and I write her a little checklist of things that are expected of her today. And I write out her certain times of day that I expect certain things to be done. Because otherwise it's willy-nilly, and it can all fall into the authenticity of, "I just don't feel like doing my schoolwork", which is probably true.

Pete: Mmm.

Jen: But I am expecting her to show up in integrity with herself as a world class student, as a professional student. So, again, in the leadership role (you know, parenting is essentially a leadership role), helping other people to figure out how to show up for themselves is part of the job.

Pete: Yes. Absolutely. Absolutely, absolutely. Yeah, I think...that's funny, I just jotted down two questions on how we might encourage listeners to do that, even through this podcast. Is how do we help the podcast listeners show up for themselves, and show up for one another? And I think the...I would build on the question I had earlier. So I would say, it's almost like the, the two questions that we need to get clear on...like step one, in order to show up for myself, I need to get clear on: what does it look like for me to show up for myself? And then add some consistency, and some discipline around what that looks like. So for me, it's writing a page in my journal every morning. It's doing my Five Minute Journal. It's meditating. And it's doing some exercise. Like that is what I define as showing up for myself. And I need to do that consistently, and with discipline in order to answer the second question, which is: what does it look like, or how might I show up to serve? Like, what does that look like, specifically for me? And for me, that's leading a bunch of Zoom calls. For me, that's coaching a bunch of really cool humans. For me, that's doing a podcast with Jen Waldman. For me, that's writing a blog on a Sunday. So I get clarity on what it looks like for me, and then I build structure, and discipline, and consistency around that.

Jen: I love this. I actually feel like this is something we should be talking about not only in the context of a pandemic. That when we emerge from this, and we move into whatever the next phase of our existence is, the idea that there can be structure, and discipline to service is really important.

Pete: Yes. Yes, yes, yes, I think that's a, it's such a good posture to bring to answering those two questions. Which is, the answer to the question should extend beyond this pandemic.

Jen: Mm-hmm.

Pete: Like, if we're playing an infinite game, for example, versus a finite game. The finite game would be, "Let me describe how I'm going to show up until this pandemic is over. Then the pandemic is over, and I'll reassess. The game will be over, and I'll start a new game.". The more interesting thing to think about, I think, is the infinite posture of how I want to show up over the next period of time, or just like through the course of my lifetime, pandemic or no pandemic. I think there's a middle ground. There's a, there's a spot there for...like for me, I want to show up with generosity, with empathy, with care. I want to ask questions. I want to hold space. That's like pandemic neutral. It doesn't matter if we're in the middle of a, of a healthcare crisis. It doesn't matter if we're not. It's just a posture, and a way of showing up that I believe is consistent, and disciplined, and in service to others.

Jen: And how you hold space, and how you ask questions is, of course, shaped by the context of the moment.

Pete: Yes.

Jen: But the intention behind holding space, and asking questions is what is truly consistent. Because it is in service of the, what Simon Sinek calls your just cause...

Pete: Hmm.

Jen: ...the real future that you are building toward.

Pete: Mmm. Hmm. I think the other thing that's worth thinking about when we think about showing up is like, the reason we need to get clear on it is honestly, it's the only thing we have control over.

Jen: Yes!

Pete: Like, we've talked before about separating decisions and outcomes. And you know, we've referred to, you can't control the outcome, but you can control how you show up for the decision. And I think it's just worth remembering that. What this, what this pandemic has illuminated for me, more than anything, is that I had the illusion that I had control. I had the illusion that there was comfort. I had the illusion that nothing would change so drastically. And what we've all realized now is that illusion is gone. And maybe we never had a control over the outcome. Maybe we never had guarantee that we were going to be able to go and high five neighbor tomorrow. So, what we do have control over is how we might show up. And we can't get attached to what that might lead to, what might happen as a result, or what might happen that's outside our control, like a pandemic. But what we can control, what we can get clarity on is how we, as individuals, show up to serve.

Jen: And that is The Long and The Short Of It.