The Long and The Short Of It

Episode 82 - Lessons Learned

Transcript:

Pete: Hey, Jen Waldman.

Jen: Hello, Peter.

Pete: I have a question for you, which I'm certain you're going to have a rich series of answers to. And the question is: what are some of the things you're learning in quarantine?

Jen: So many things.

Pete: I knew it. Maybe we pick a couple and unpack them?

Jen: Alright. This is The Long and The Short Of It.

Pete: So I feel like each of these things might be an episode on its own, but I was going to...well, I want to challenge us to just share like a couple of things each, as it relates to what we're learning since being in quarantine.

Jen: Okay, you want to go first?

Pete: I'm happy to go first and then we can ping-pong, if you like.

Jen: Okay.

Pete: So the first thing I'm learning, and noodling on, and thinking about is just how little we actually need, as humans.

Jen: Yeah.

Pete: And as it relates to that, the story I've told myself about what I "need", and now in realizing what perhaps I actually need. So, to unpack a little bit. I don't think I'm unique in this because I've spoken to friends and family about this before this call. But in the past, I've told myself that I need to take myself out for dinner on a weekend, or I need to catch up with a friend at a pub and have a couple of beers, or I need to go out for coffee and spend eight dollars on coffee every single day. Because unless I do that, I won't feel fulfilled, I won't feel myself. And what this pandemic has so brilliantly articulated and highlighted to me is you don't actually need any of those things, necessarily. You might like to indulge in some of those things sometimes, but you don't need them. What you really need...this kind of goes back to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, which I'm sure I'm going to butcher. But it's essentially along the lines of: what I need is shelter, what I need is connection, and what I need is food and water. And I am lucky enough, and privileged enough that I have access to all of those things. And beyond that, I don't think I need that much at all, which is quite profound. And it's interesting because you read, and hear, and sort of understand intellectually that idea a lot, like I'm familiar with the idea of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. But until you have these options stripped away from you, you don't fully appreciate it. (At least, I haven't fully appreciated it.) And so the story I've told myself about what I need has been like, completely rattled, reframed, and thrown upside down, which is pretty cool. And interesting.

Jen: I so agree with that. Peter, back in New York, I have closets full of clothes. When we left New York for what we thought was going to be Cate's spring break, we took with us one week worth of clothing.

Pete: Wow.

Jen: And I mean, do I feel stylish? No. But am I dressed? Yes.

Pete: [laughter] Yes. Yes, yes, yes. So true. I mean, and then just other things, like I almost...I remember messaging you not that long ago, maybe a few months ago, saying, "I'm going to get a new office. And it's going to be my own private office, because I need my own space. And I'm having trouble working in a co-working space now.". And now I'm like, "Well, I can work from home, which is in an office that's three meters from my bed, and two meters from my kitchen, and everything's okay.". Everything's okay. Everything's working. We're still able to record the podcast. I'm still able to do my work. I'm still able to show up. And so maybe I don't need an office after all.

Jen: So true. Alright. Something I have been noodling on is actually born out of a class that I'm teaching right now, called Impulse Training.

Pete: Mm-hmm.

Jen: And it is that people need stimulation.

Pete: Mmm.

Jen: They need something to respond and react to. So I teach this class twice a week, Tuesdays and Thursdays at 10am. And most of the artists come in, we...you know, we do a quick check in at the beginning. And people are feeling uninspired, frustrated, bored, lame, all sorts of, of words that feel not so energized. And then I basically spend an hour throwing ideas at them that they need to react to in the moment, and turn into something.

Pete: Mmm.

Jen: And by the end, they're, they're like, "I feel amazing. I feel energized. I feel alive. I feel creative. I feel full of possibility.".

Pete: Mmm.

Jen: And, you know, I'm so honored to be able to provide that to them twice a week.

Pete: Hmm.

Jen: But I'm also concerned for them (and myself) to be living in a static environment.

Pete: Yeah.

Jen: And so I don't know what the answer to the big question is here. But how might we provide ourselves more stimulus, more opportunities to respond to something in our environment?

Pete: Mmm.

Jen: So that's a big question I've been noodling on. I mean, we recently had a conversation about just getting out and walking around the block. You know, that helps. I don't think the massive tidal wave of content that is being consumed right now is the kind of thing that I'm talking about. I think it's something else, something unexpected to react to.

Pete: Hmm.

Jen: So like I said, I don't know what the answer is, but that has been a gigantic noodle for me.

Pete: Yeah, I think it's a big interesting one. Because in many ways, we've never had more stimulation in our lives. In the sense that the news, the social media, the content, to your point, is like just loud and screaming at all of us right now. So it's almost like, it's not necessarily any kind of stimulation, it's a particular type of stimulation. Maybe it's, maybe it's an intellectual and curiosity driven stimulation. Or maybe it's a growth-minded related stimulation. I don't know what the phrase is, but to me, there just seems to be something different in that the stimulation you're talking about feels a lot more intellectual, and proactive, and productive. Versus reactively responding to like news, and headlines, and social media, which is stimulation but not really in the positive kind.

Jen: Okay, now don't let me get into the weeds here.

Pete: Okay.

Jen: Or like, too far down the rabbit hole, or whatever metaphor you'd like to use. But I've been thinking a lot about the way peripheral vision comes into play here. I can't remember if I've ever told you this, but my voice teacher...the remarkable, extraordinary Andrew Byrne. (He's like a mad scientist voice teacher.) And he does a lot of work with vision, in singing. And he said to me that I have the most developed peripheral vision he's really ever encountered. And this comes from all of the many years of a particular movement technique that I do, called Viewpoints, where you have to use your peripheral vision. You use soft focus to see everything always, instead of what's just in front of you. The reason I bring it up is because peripheral vision is activated by motion. And the danger in losing peripheral vision is that you're only really seeing what's right in front of you.

Pete: Mmm.

Jen: And you're losing the ability to have a more expansive view. And in the static environments right now, where we're not walking down the street and seeing bodies and cars, like we aren't activating our peripheral vision, both metaphorically and literally.

Pete: Yeah. Yes.

Jen: And it concerns me. Like I know for myself in New York City, I do a peripheral vision exercise every day on my way to work while I'm listening to a podcast.

Pete: Mmm.

Jen: And I haven't been doing it here, because I haven't figured out how to.

Pete: Mmm.

Jen: So I want to make sure that we (the collective we) do not atrophy with this lack of stimulation.

Pete: Yes. Yes. Oh, so rich. I love that. Okay. My next one...I'm going need you to help me like, unpack and make sure I don't get into the weeds, to use your verbiage. Because it's, it's a juicy one. So something I've observed in others, and in myself, in this circumstance that we all find ourselves in is judgment, essentially. And all of the different ways that manifests itself. And when I say judgment, I mean judgment of myself. And we talked about this in the Showing Up episode, the judgment of: am I doing enough? Am I being enough? Should I be doing more? So that level of judgment, which I'm finding interesting. Then, there's the judgment of others. And, and what that does. And, and the othering that kind of occurs as a result of that judgment. So really, really obvious examples, I think, are the judgment of when you see someone with a mask versus not with a mask. Or the judgment that you might be tempted to place on someone who is at home with kids versus at home not with kids. Or the judgment that you might have of people who are walking, and those who are choosing to stay inside. And the judgment that might be people who have jobs versus don't have jobs. Like all of these different scenarios, circumstances, situations that have been created as a result of COVID-19 are also opportunities (tempting opportunities, unfortunately) for us to judge and other one another in a very, very, very unproductive way.

Jen: Mm-hmm.

Pete: And so there's this concept I think a lot about, which was introduced to me by a brilliant, brilliant friend, Dean Bardouka. And I'll put a link to this video in the Box O' Goodies this week, and I'll do my best to summarize. But there's this notion that the keynote speaker talks about, which is around othering, and how there are sort of two types of "we". One is the "contracting we". So me with a mask, and you without a mask. I contract and make my circle of "we" smaller, and as a result, other other people. Super unproductive, very common, not that helpful. Versus the "expanding we", which is where we open up and realize that we're all the same, to some degree. We're connected by a shared experience. And we recognize that diversity is a fact, inclusion is the invite. And that equitable inclusion is kind of, and belonging, is sort of the work that we need to do to see that we're all connected. And I think, what better moment to realize that we're all connected when we're all faced with the same circumstances? Granted, it manifests itself in slightly different ways. So, I hope that made sense. Essentially, what I'm curious about and noodling on is the ways in which we're seeing one another, othering one another and ourselves, and potentially judging ourselves and one another as a result of what is happening.

Jen: That is so rich, Peter. It immediately brings two things to mind. One...and I was, I knew exactly where they were on my computer, so I was able to pull them up so quickly, these Brene Brown quotes.

Pete: Mm-hmm.

Jen: Are you ready?

Pete: Ready.

Jen: "Based on research, there are two ways to predict when we are going to judge: We judge in areas where we're most susceptible to shame, and we judge people who are doing worse than we are in those areas. So if you find yourself feeling incredibly judgmental about appearance, and you can't figure out why, that's a clue that it's a hard issue for you." End quote, that's Brene Brown. And the other Brene judgement quote is: The judgment of others leaves us feeling shame, so we offload the hurt by judging others."

Pete: Mmm. Wow. Wow.

Jen: It just feels like a vicious cycle...

Pete: Yes.

Jen: ...that, that never ends. And the other thing that it immediately made me think of is actually my, the blog post that I'm literally about to hit publish on, which is about a concept I've been playing with of the individual collective.

Pete: Mmm.

Jen: That we are having this completely collective experience. I mean, every, everybody has some level of awareness of what is going on in the world. And we're all living through this global pandemic together, as a collective human race. And each one of us is completely individual, completely experiencing it differently because no two people have the exact same circumstance. And yet we all have the exact same circumstance. I mean, it is, it is the ultimate moment to practice empathy. It's ludicrous to assume that anybody else's home life, work life, health, etc., mirrors yours.

Pete: Yes. Now, more than ever, is a time to get curious, and try and change that default pattern of judgment to one of curiosity, I think.

Jen: Mm-hmm. Yes.

Pete: And to close this out, Brene Brown also talks about this idea of comparative suffering (which I think relates so much to what we're talking about), which is the guilt that we can experience as individuals around certain things, based on comparing ourselves to others. So, so it might be that we downplay our own circumstances through comparison. So an example might be somebody who's lost their job, and them telling themselves a story of, "Oh, you have no right to be sad because you lost your job, because you have a friend over here who's marriage just broke down.". And that compared to them, you're in a really good place. Or it might be the opposite, which is, "How dare that person over there be sad about losing their job, when I'm over here going through a marriage breakdown. Like, my suffering is worth more (or less, depending on the circumstances) than their suffering.". And just that none of those comparisons are helpful at all. That we're all living within the context of our own lives, and our suffering is our suffering, regardless of what it looks like for other people. So just to close that out with, of course, more Brene wisdom.

Jen: Okay, the other noodle I'd like to bring to the table right now...

Pete: Mm-hmm.

Jen: ...is one that is actually bringing me so much hope, and a profound sense of possibility.

Pete: Yes.

Jen: Which is the realization that most hierarchy is utter bullshit.

Pete: Oooh. Tell me more. Tell me more.

Jen: Well, it's just that in this moment, you can't pretend that these power structures that were previously keeping us all apart are serving anyone.

Pete: Mmm.

Jen: And there are so many examples I see around me, but this one is just continuing to make me chuckle a bit. So, I'll share this. I'm, I'm working on a project, which I mentioned several episodes ago...it now actually has a name. It's called Broadway On Call. And essentially, I'm connecting doctors, nurses, healthcare workers who are on the frontlines and who also happen to be big Broadway fans, to artists who have been in their favorite Broadway shows.

Pete: Hmm.

Jen: And the artists create a personal message for the doctor, or the nurse. And it's totally private, like we don't post them on social or anything like that. They just show up in the doctor's inbox one day, and there is like a Broadway star singing a capella and like, saying thank you.

Pete: Mmm.

Jen: Because suddenly, everybody who was previously in my mind (the story I told myself) untouchable, is completely touchable.

Pete: That's so cool.

Jen: It's so beautiful. Anyway, as these requests have been coming in, I have felt absolutely zero hesitation to reach out to anybody.

Pete: Mmm.

Jen: I, I can reach out to anyone. And the ultimate this week, Peter, is that somebody wrote in and asked for a message from Bruce Springsteen, who happened to appear on Broadway last year.

Pete: Oh my god.

Jen: On any other day...

Pete: The Boss. The Boss!

Jen: ...and any other moment, I would have been like, "Are you out of your mind? How could I, an acting coach from, you know, Calabasas, get to, get to Bruce Springsteen?". But I was like, "You know what?". I said to myself, "Jen, most hierarchy is bullshit. It's very possible that if you ask, you could get to him.".

Pete: Mmm.

Jen: So I posted on my studio page, "I know it's a long shot, but could anyone get me to Bruce Springsteen?". And three people were like, "Yeah. I could get your message to Springsteen.".

Pete: Yes!

Jen: Like, what?

Pete: The Boss.

Jen: So, still waiting for that to like circle back around, but three people have reached out on my behalf to The Boss. Now, if I can ask The Boss to record a video message, everybody's touchable.

Pete: Mm-hmm.

Jen: Everybody's touchable.

Pete: Mmm.

Jen: So I, I welcome the opportunity to completely reconfigure my own perspective about how the world works, and how I've been holding myself back. And I also welcome the opportunity to talk to other people about this so they can do the same. Because if we can get enough people who care, who believe in a better future, to align with each other around the idea that hierarchy is mostly bullshit, we might be able to build something truly wonderful as we move forward.

Pete: Yes. I love that one, Jen, because it's just...I mean, it goes to things that we've talked about so many times in this podcast. Which is that so many of the constraints that we place on ourself all come back to the stories we tell ourselves.

Jen: Yep.

Pete: And it's just (as Benjamin and Rosamund Zander said in their book, The Art of Possibility), it's all invented. It's all invented.

Jen: So let's see if we can summarize the lessons that we've learned.

Pete: Mm-hmm.

Jen: Or, the noodles that we've scratched. So, we don't need that much.

Pete: Mm-hmm.

Jen: But what we do need is stimulation.

Pete: Mm-hmm.

Jen: And let us release the need to judge anyone, including ourselves. And finally, most hierarchy is bullshit.

Pete: And that is The Long and The Short Of It.